You probably hear me talk about Gottman therapy a lot, but do you know the foundation on which the Gottman Method is based? Today’s blog is all about the Sound Relationship House. This concept is the backbone of Gottman therapy, and everything I do in couples therapy relates to the Sound Relationship House in some way, shape, or form.
What is the Sound Relationship House?
The Sound Relationship House is a tool summarising the key concepts for, as you might have guessed, a sound relationship. It’s a beautiful analogy for what makes relationships work because it evokes the imagery of building something with your partner, working on it, renovating it, filling it with your favourite things, and creating unforgettable memories. It also suggests a place of safety and security where you and your partner can feel like your true selves.
I will explain each level of the house and briefly describe what it means. Over the next two weeks, check out my social pages for further information about these levels and some practical ways to apply these concepts to your relationship.
An illustrative diagram of the Sound Relationship House, a cornerstone concept of the Gottman Method used in couples therapy and counselling. This visual guide, employed by our Camden and Southern Highlands counselling services, depicts the essential levels for building a strong, healthy relationship, from ‘Build Love Maps’ at the foundation to ‘Create Shared Meaning’ at the pinnacle. Each floor represents a key principle of the Gottman Method, designed to foster trust and commitment — the two pillars supporting any enduring partnership.
The Two Pillars: Trust and Commitment
Trust
Trust is crucial in any sound relationship. It’s about feeling safe and secure that your partner will be there for you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Partners constantly find ways to build trust in various situations, from “Will they support me when their mother criticises me?” to “Will they be there for me when I am sick or depressed?” Without trust, the Sound Relationship House will struggle to maintain its structure.
Commitment
Commitment is the belief that you will be with your partner for a lifelong journey, better or worse. It’s about embracing all aspects of your partner, good and bad, and being confident they are your best choice. Couples struggling with commitment often compare their partner to real or imagined scenarios, assuming those would be better. Like trust, commitment is pivotal to keeping the Sound Relationship House upright, as it ensures a person is fully immersed in their chosen life with their partner.
The Levels of the Sound Relationship House
Build Love Maps
This level refers to the basic level of friendship—your ability to know your partner and be known by them. We call them love maps because they help each partner map out the other’s thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, and aspirations.
Share Fondness and Admiration
This is your ability to notice, express, and appreciate what you love about your partner. It’s about having a positive mindset, overlooking mistakes, and recognising positive contributions to the relationship.
Turn Towards Instead of Away
This level involves bids for connection, where a partner makes a verbal or non-verbal attempt to communicate their needs. When these bids are made, and partners turn towards each other, they make deposits in an emotional ‘bank account’ built over time.
The Positive Perspective
This level refers to a partner’s ability to let positive sentiments and feelings about their partner and the relationship override negative actions.
Manage Conflict
This is a couple’s ability to manage conflict gently, start conversations without blame, and accept influence from one another. Most importantly, they make compromises.
Make Life Dreams Come True
A relationship that supports each person’s dreams, values, convictions, and aspirations creates an atmosphere where each can talk openly and honestly about their dreams.
Create Shared Meaning
Building a life together involves understanding and nurturing shared purpose and meaning. Couples must identify, share, and practice rituals of connection, including formal rituals (milestones, important dates) and informal rituals (how each partner handles someone leaving the house, morning routines).
Moving Forward
This briefly explains the Sound Relationship House and how I may approach these levels in couples therapy and counselling in Camden. Stay tuned over the next week or two as I delve deeper into each level and explain how I can help you build the most sound relationship house possible.
If you want to know more or book an appointment, please get in touch. For more information about Gottman therapy, please visit Gottman Method.