Whether you’ve been with your partner for a short time or decades, relationships evolve as you reach certain milestones: marriage, buying a house, having kids, changing careers, and navigating the passage of time. Initially, you can’t get enough of each other, but maintaining that connection requires more effort as life progresses. This is a common theme in my couples and individual therapy sessions.
Recognising the Shift
Early in a relationship, everything happens quickly. You spend hours talking, constantly stay in touch, and enjoy each other’s company. However, as time passes and you face various life challenges, the effort needed to maintain that connection increases. Work, kids, and daily responsibilities can make finding quality time with your partner difficult, leading to feelings of disconnection.
Finding Hope and Reconnection
While this scenario might seem discouraging, there is hope. In this two-part series, we’ll explore the phases of love and provide strategies to strengthen your relationship. Today, we’ll focus on the three phases of love and their impact on relationship satisfaction.
The Three Phases of Love
1. Falling in Love: Limerence
In his book Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love, John Gottman describes the first phase as falling in love, or limerence. During this phase, a cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters like oxytocin, phenylethylamine (PEA), and pheromones floods our bodies, making us feel euphoric and deeply connected. This “honeymoon phase” is characterised by intense affection and a desire for physical closeness.
2. Building Trust
The second phase focuses on building trust. Key questions arise: Can I trust you? Will you be there for me? How you handle conflicts plays a significant role in this phase. Testing moments will occur, and how you navigate them determines the success or failure of building trust. Effective communication and conflict resolution are crucial here.
3. Building Commitment and Loyalty
The final phase involves building commitment and loyalty. This phase is about recognising and expressing gratitude, avoiding resentment, and ensuring fairness in the relationship. A balanced power distribution is essential to foster a deeply loving and trusting relationship. Any power imbalances can create barriers to trust and intimacy.
Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship
In the upcoming part of this series, we’ll explore practical strategies and exercises for enhancing communication, appreciation, and conflict management. These tips help you and your partner reconnect and build a stronger, healthier relationship.
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For detailed information about the phases of love, read John Gottman’s article.
Get in Touch
If you want more personalised tips and strategies for building and nurturing your relationship, send me a message or give me a call. I’m here to help you create a lasting, fulfilling connection with your partner.
