Is your relationship in trouble? My previous blog discusses the three phases of love and how relationships evolve beyond the initial ‘honeymoon phase’ (read it here). As the initial excitement subsides, fostering trust, commitment, and loyalty becomes essential. When I start couples therapy, I assess the relationship by focusing on specific aspects to determine if things are going well or need improvement. Here are some areas to consider and how you can help them out.
1. Positive Affect
What to Look For:
- Genuine interest in your partner
- Excitement when seeing them or hearing their stories
- Affection, humor, validation, and joy
How to Improve:
Work on your bids of connection. Recognise the verbal and non-verbal cues your partner gives and engage with them. Share your successes and challenges with genuine interest.
2. The Fondness and Admiration System
What to Look For:
- Regular expressions of affection and respect
- Verbal acknowledgment of what you love about each other
How to Improve:
Express gratitude frequently. The Gottman Institute emphasises “Small Things Often.” Even trivial moments of appreciation build a culture of respect and admiration.
3. We-ness
What to Look For:
- Approaching situations as a team (“we”) rather than as individuals (“I” or “you”)
How to Improve:
Seek to understand your partner’s perspective. Validate your own perspective but focus on understanding theirs. This builds a sense of unity and teamwork. For more on we-ness, read my blog here.
4. Cognitive Room (Love Maps)
What to Look For:
- Depth of understanding about your partner’s hopes, dreams, stressors, and challenges
How to Improve:
Build love maps by asking open-ended questions. Use tools like the Gottman Card Decks app for helpful starting points. Learn more about love maps in my blog here.
5. Negativity
What to Look For:
- Overall perspective of the relationship: positive or negative?
- Feelings of resentment or helplessness
How to Improve:
When you notice something positive about yourself, think of a similar positive action by your partner. Conversely, if something about your partner bothers you, recall a time you might have done something similar. This breaks down negativity.
6. Chaos
What to Look For:
- How you handle day-to-day interactions and conflicts
How to Improve:
Express your thoughts and feelings meaningfully. Avoid the Four Horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling). Focus on your feelings rather than what your partner may be doing wrong. Learn more about the Four Horsemen here.
7. Disappointment
What to Look For:
- How you handle feelings of disappointment
How to Improve:
Normalise having difficult conversations. Use a gentle startup: “I feel __________ about __________, and I need __________.” This focuses the conversation on your experience and allows your partner to understand your perspective.
Conclusion
It’s natural for these issues to arise at various points in a relationship. You’re only human, and so is your partner. If you notice these challenges, don’t worry—there are ways to address them.
If you’re still struggling, feel free to send me a message or give me a call. I have the tools to help you and your partner improve your relationship.