The concept of “we-ness” comes from the way in which each partner approaches their relationship. It’s the idea that there is a shared unity and shared identity between two people in a relationship. It’s also a very telling way that can impact a couple’s ability to deal with the ups and downs of life. When couples practice “we-ness”, they work at the world as a team and not two individuals.
When I first start couples therapy, I conduct a thorough assessment of the relationship. I listen for a couples’ ability to bring “we-ness’ into their conversation. Are they saying “we” or “us” when talking about their successes or plans for the future? Or do they use “I” or “me”? When I listen to couples tell me their story, I look for these subconscious representations of their dynamic.
“We-ness” isn’t just about the way a couple speak about themselves or their relationship. It’s also about the relationship’s core values and attitudes. I have found that couples with a strong sense of “we-ness”, tend to have a deeper level of friendship. I try and encourage couples in therapy to work on this: to learn to love each other’s company, understand each other’s worlds and regularly invest time and energy into maintaining these deeper connections.
So why is friendship so important? Here are a few reasons:
Mutual Respect: Friendship fosters mutual respect, which is foundational for any lasting relationship. Friends respect each other’s individuality and support one another’s growth.
Enjoyment: Couples who are friends genuinely enjoy spending time together. This enjoyment is a buffer against the stress and monotony that can come with daily life.
Support: Life can be challenging, and having a partner who is also a friend means having a reliable support system. Friends are there for each other, in good times and bad.
Understanding: Friends work to understand each other’s perspectives, feelings, and needs. This understanding is critical for effective communication and conflict resolution.
Shared Experiences: A history of shared experiences can strengthen the bond between partners, creating a rich tapestry of memories that can be a source of joy and comfort.
Intimacy: Emotional intimacy grows from the trust and camaraderie that friendship provides, which can also enhance physical intimacy.
Shared Goals and Values: Friends often have aligned goals and values, which can make it easier for couples to make decisions and plan for the future.
I recently worked with a couple in my Camden practice, and “we-ness” was not initially present. They spoke in terms of “I” and “you,” highlighting their separateness. Through couples therapy, we began to foster a deeper friendship between them, encouraging shared activities, open communication, and mutual support. Gradually, their language began to shift. They started planning “our” weekend and discussing “our” dreams.
To cultivate “we-ness” in your relationship, start with friendship. Invest in learning about each other, create shared experiences, and foster a culture of mutual support and respect. Remember, the strongest relationships are built on a foundation of deep friendship, where “we” becomes the bedrock upon which you build your life together.
If you’re interested in learning more, please reach out and book a free 15 minute consultation!